TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it would feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the eyesight powering Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical growth-slash-luxurious property calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Indeed, The person who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And not the standard Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're speaking Damascus, the city historically recognized for historic culture, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It is going to be remarkable. Large!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golf cart Zoom phone, streamed within the Placing environmentally friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We've had stunning ceasefires in Syria. Several of the finest. But now, we are making them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and fully away from position. Intended by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A three-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour right until the drone flies")




  • In addition to a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 a long time for potable h2o. But Of course, positive, let us have One more spot where American Adult men can dress in robes and call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international plan analysts are calling this by far the most audacious peace attempt due to the fact Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though previous negotiations failed underneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is easier: offer you everyone a suite to the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


As outlined by files published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be comfortable electric power," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a contract along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock demands less diplomats and a lot more minibar upgrades."



What the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms mounted in each device. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination famous, "It isn't that Trump shouldn't open up a tower in the war zone. It truly is that he ought to quit using it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned with regards to the task, replied, "You understand, man, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic folks. Great tan. In any case, do I nonetheless have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "potential proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory on the Levant."



Satellite Images Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the hotel's landscaping varieties a large Trump head obvious from Room, a feature becoming promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents as well as the chin is… nicely, categorised.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits immediately after obtaining the creating's gold plating mirrored much sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set fireplace to a local melon cart.


"It is not simply unappealing. It is a war crime with curtains," stated Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Confusing Attributes


Perhaps the strangest component from the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium where by attendees may possibly ponder vague disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, comprehensive with weather control set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Nearby Syrians are Uncertain what for making of this. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-yr-outdated Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing and advertising System: "In case you Bomb It, They may Arrive"


The advert marketing campaign, not too long ago leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxury is Eternally."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll executed within a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% claimed "the place's the closest elevator to your West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "At last, a Crisis That Pays"


The challenge is presently attracting attention from Global investors, such as:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll buy 3 penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial amount will likely involve:




  • A Greenback Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area According to the Iraq War





Comment Section Chaos


On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb Trump Tower Damascus write-up about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't wait to find out a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as opposed to rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a resort in which my PTSD can have convert-down support."


An additional write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officers worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Experiences propose:




  • China may well open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to build a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest ground "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Last Ideas with the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside a closing ceremony that concerned 3 camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It wanted gold. It needed a waterslide formed just like the Constitution. I gave it all three. You are welcome."

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